I often hear from people who believe that they have made a firm decision to stay with their cheating spouse. They haven't taken this decision lightly and they may have wavered about it. But, in the end, they have decided that the best decision for them is to try to save their marriage. In their heart, they know that what they really want is to restore their marriage to a place of intimacy. But of course, this is easier said than done. Russianbrides.com Reviews It's hard to trust again when someone has hurt you. It's hard to want to be close to the person who has betrayed you. And it's an unbelievable challenge to allow yourself to be vulnerable again when your heart has been damaged beyond belief.
I might hear from a wife who says
it this way: "I am not going to go back on my decision to stay with my
husband, regardless of the affair. I will not fool myself into thinking that
this is easy. But I am determined to do it because of my children. My husband
is determined to make it work also. And I have to say that I do believe that he
is really trying. The problem is that no matter what he says or does, I feel
the need to keep a safe distance from him. And this frustrates us both. Last
night, he asked me if I was going to hold back from him for the rest of our
lives. I never intentionally set out to hold back from him. But, in intimate
moments, that is when the pain of the affair hits me the hardest. That is when
it strikes me that he has broken our wedding vows and done this exact same
thing with someone else. And it destroys me so much that I just subconsciously
pull away. I can not help myself. And if I were to force myself not to, then it
would be obvious that this was what Russianbrides I was
doing. Is it always going to be like this? What should I be doing right now to
overcome this?"
Understanding What Is At The Core
Of This: I am by no means an expert. I can tell you my opinion based on my own
experiences and from what I hear from others who reach out to me. But, it can
take a good deal of time before even a hint of true and unforced intimacy
returns. Frankly, you can't offer true intimacy to someone until you feel that
they are worthy of it. And of course you have your doubts as to whether or not
he has worthy of it right now. Not enough time has passed in order for you to
have those types of feelings for him since the pain he caused you is still so
fresh.
Don't Give Up: Does this mean that
your marriage doesn't stand a chance because you can't overcome the intimacy
hurdle? Not in my opinion. But it could mean that you need to give it more time
and you need to take things more slowly so that you are not putting so much Russianbrides.com pressure on yourself. Because pressure just
creates awkwardness. And awkwardness makes you think that this is never going
to work so you become frustrated. And frustration is not a good precursor to
intimacy.
Bringing It Into The Open: I would
suggest addressing this with your husband with something like: "recently,
you asked me if I was going to back away from you forever. I don't intend to do
that. Honestly, I don't intend to back away when I do it right now. It's never
my intention. It is just a reaction to the pain that I have been feeling. And I
think that time is going to be needed to get around this. I think that putting
pressure on the situation would only make it worse. So I'd like to take things
slowly. We are both committed to our marriage and we know that neither one of
us is going to walk away. So we don't have to worry about that. And I think
that's why we need to give ourselves permission to move a little more slowly
and to not force things. I'd like to just spend some time with you without
expectations and without feeling that things have to be normal right away.
Because that is just supplying pressure that we don't need. The distance
doesn't mean that I'm not committed and that I don't love you. It just means
that I am still trying to process this."
Hopefully, this will buy you a
little time. Never forget that you deserve to set the pace. None of this is
your fault. Your husband was the one who had the affair and so now he will have
to wait and allow you to move at whatever pace works best for you.
Faith Leaping: I can tell you that
there will come a time when you will just have to take a leap of faith. So many
of us feel like we can't really let ourselves go until we get some kind of
guarantee that we won't be hurt like this again.
Unfortunately, there aren't any
guarantees for any of us. All that we can do is to restore our marriage to the
strongest place possible so that we can have confidence that we can handle
whatever comes our way. In the end, we have to decide that the risk is worth
it.
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